MY APOLOGIES TO MY READERS. THIS POST IS DIRECTED TO ONE PERSON AND IS ALSO VERY LONG! HOWEVER, YOU ARE WELCOME TO READ ANYWAY IF YOU WISH. THAT IS ALL!
If you can hear me now
I’m reaching out
To let you know that you’re not alone
So just close your eyes
Oh, honey here comes a lullaby
Your very own lullaby~Nickelback
I’m stupid to do this but let’s go and take the plunge together. You don’t know how badly I need to get this off my chest because you’re so quick to dismiss me. Our friendship is rocky, confusing and kind of sad. I’m telling you this because I need closure and to know that you understand where I’m coming from. Lets start from the beginning alright?
September 4, 2009. I was a new student. I knew where all my classes were already and I was ambitious at the time. Ambitious enough to take five classes in one semester. Five! Granted those who know how well I did on the application testing will say
Five is nothing. They were brush up courses because you didn’t do well in high school. Trust me, five is nothing to sneeze at.
Those people know exactly how hard I worked. I was angry about having to take remedial classes but I digress. Come lunchtime, I walked into the cafeteria where I bumped into you. I fell to my knees embarrassed, as my books tumbled from my arms and you knelt to help me pick them up. Remember now? Good! We introduced ourselves then went to get lunch together. You ordered chicken and french fries…yes I remember! You got the same thing practically every time we’d have lunch together. I got a tuna wrap because I was new to eating meat and didn’t trust the cafeteria meat. So we sat, talked, joked, ate, exchanged numbers, then parted ways. You said I could call you anytime I needed something, and I was happy about that. I didn’t really know anybody except for one girl in my psychology class. Little did we know we’d see each other as often as we did or talk late at night as much as we did and I thank you for that, I really truly do.
So for days, we’d have lunch together. Oddly, I met another boy during that semester and we started dating. Kenneth, was his name. He made me so happy at first, then things got weird. He’d talk about his ex…a lot! I was too naive to see how he was off. He made me feel uncomfortable and was always around me, clingy…like a fly you can’t get rid of. Then, we’d start arguing, and make-up, on and off. Until our big break-up in December of that year. I’ll spare you all the details but it was nasty. I was in tears a lot because he was awful so to me…but you were there, comforting me anyway. *chuckles quietly* friendship is a funny thing. I still didn’t really see you because at the time, I knew how you felt but I ignored the signs because I was too broken up and I couldn’t give you what you wanted…my heart. You respected how I felt and gave me my space. And I appreciated that. So, I fell under the radar, not talking much but listening to you and still spending time with you when I could despite having work to do as well. We’d sit in the cafeteria, you and I and we’d work through my homework together. Something that I liked about the time we’d spend together.
Fast forward to 2011. I met a boy online and we started talking. I told him of the past relationship I had and how awful the breakup was. He understood and was good to me as well. His name was Marcus and to this day, he and I are still dating. He made me happy as well but I didn’t talk about him much with you because I was embarrassed.
I still didn’t see how you felt about me until the April of 2012. We were having lunch and you seemed nervous. Now I understand why. You said you liked me a lot more than a friend. I felt bad turning you down and to this day, a part of me really regrets it. Watching your face fall as I told you that I was still going strong with Marcus, wasn’t something I was proud of at all. I think we both changed that day. You dove into your schoolwork and I dove into mine, my work, and my relationship with Marcus. Little did I know, he would break my heart that November after my birthday. His present to me, or to himself rather, was a ticket to come see me. The part that was for me would be his presence at Christmas that year. He called me and told me he had to pay rent and give up his ticket in the process. I cried for weeks over that. We’d argue a lot, then stop talking but we always made up. I knew I didn’t want to make the same mistakes with Marcus that I did with Kenneth so I gave him a two year ultimatum to decide what he wanted with our relationship. He said he wanted me, and hasn’t changed his mind since. I told him that if he wanted to date other people just as…a test of his words to me, he could and I wouldn’t object. Little did I know at the time I’d regret that greatly. I loved him, and I still do. He got a better job making more money so he could ensure his presence at Christmas this year. It’s still a little ways off so we’ll see but…*crosses fingers*. His job requires him to go out of range anywhere from eight days, to three weeks at a time…Not the point yet, sorry.
When he and I couldn’t talk…I guess I saw you in a new light. I began to realize how deeply I cared for you. I’m a girl with morals, you see and I didn’t really want to cheat, but a part of me did secretly, and I hate myself for it. When I explained back in March what I thought we could do, the deal I made with Marcus also out on the table, you were dubious at first but after much discussion you accepted. That lasted all of…*drumroll* 24 hours!!! You messaged me on Facebook the night before we were supposed to have lunch and said that no, you couldn’t do it…you couldn’t do us. *laughs softly* it’s amazing what I remember hmm? I was in tears…again, but I hid it well, or at least I’d like to think so anyway. I wanted answers. You said you had class work to focus on and at the time I understood, I did too you see. I did however, raise the point that we never saw each other anyway, but no you were having none of it. A reality I accepted, not too well but I accepted anyway. I deleted your number, your texts, everything so I could forget you as much as one can forget a person I suppose. You disappeared off Facebook or you might have blocked me, I don’t know.
Summer 2013 was different. I’d stare at my phone on and off for hours…waiting for you to call…to apologize but the call never came. So I called you instead, my heart broke a little more when I heard your voice. I was nervous, you see because I still had feelings for you. No matter how hard I tried to erase them. Not only for your sanity, but mine as well. I’m still happy with Marcus even though he’s been out of town a lot lately, and spending more time with his friends when he can be in town to see them. I digress again, but I really need you to understand where I’m coming from. To do that, I need to disclose everything! We talked maybe…two minutes before you sent me a friend request on Facebook. I saved your number, happy but weary of you now because of what went on between us. We’d talk at night, just like old times but different nonetheless and I was happy again. Fast forward to last night please. We talked a lot. I confessed my feelings had never changed. Against my better judgement, mind you because inside, I knew you’d react how you did the last time we talked about this. You got upset. Angry? I don’t think you were angry, but you were…upset to a degree. I don’t know if you realized at the moment what you had done. Gone and shattered my heart a little again, when I was just healing. I said maybe we should stop talking but that we’d still have lunch when school started up again in a week and a half. You said that was fine but that we couldn’t talk like we used to because you wanted to focus on school again. You only have two semesters left anyway. This is hard medicine to swallow but I guess I can begrudgingly accept. We’ll do things your way. Not the way a friendship should go, but whatever…Anyway, now you know. Love and friendship should never mix and when they do, prepare for a wild, sometimes unpleasant ride!