On a Saturday night I sit…on my bed. Wondering…thinking the deep thoughts of an unsettled mind. A mind…a person, who’s up late at night. Blame an internet connection or blame the electric current that is your thoughts racing around your mind like a whirlwind. Today I had a very profound thought. I don’t have many of them but when I do…well *chuckles* I digress.
I listen to music all the time it seems. Yes I listen to it loudly. I feel like I do this because I’m so introverted. I feel like music quiets the thoughts in my head and the voices around me. Let’s the world vanish. I delve into the darker corners of my mind. Clean out the cobwebs. I have nervous tics. You wouldn’t know it by looking at me because I look normal and my physical issues aren’t that obvious. I wring my hands, wiggle my fingers, stretch until I hear the pop of my muscles, twirl my hair, play with prescription bottle rings.
Going out is difficult for me. Even if it’s with people I know. I get there and I try hard to talk to people but I rather just curl up with a book and read. It’s not their fault. I mean I can get through it but when I get home, I need to read or write and sometimes I fall asleep. It’s just really draining.
On the future and my thoughts
Will I get married? I don’t know. It worries me the idea that no one will be able to deal with my quirks and deep issues. My over firing nervous system. The way I flinch when someone touches me. I startle and scare easily. I have little interest in making new friends. No one’s fault but my own I suppose.
Will I have kids? The idea scares me greatly. Not just from the beautiful pain that is childbirth but will I be able support myself, my husband should I get married, and a child?
Living alone? I want at some point in my life, to be able to live on my own but I first want to make sure those I care about are taken care of and are happy.